Q: Is it alright not to expect anything from God?
Besides just getting into heaven? Im just in a bad place in my life i feel im fighting against a tide. I want to cry, scream then sleep it all off.
Im at the point I see no reason to pray except for others. Its hard to believe God cares when im struggling and hes helped others achieve their break through.
I truly feel like not excepting anything or even going for anything so He wont get to disappoint me or break my heart.
Only thing keeping me from offing myself is my autistic son that needs me. ( my daughter too)
A:
Dear friend, I want to give you the deepest, longest hug I can through this screen. I once participated in a summer camp for children with autism, and I know firsthand the immense pressure parents of these children face. You’re going through a really tough time, which is why you’re so amazing.
If you no longer have the strength to hope in God, or the strength to open the Bible—or if you simply don’t want to open it, or even say a single word to Him—I believe God will not hold it against us, His weak ones. In the midst of utter darkness, perhaps all we can do is breathe. Please believe that God fully understands this helpless silence, and please believe that He will not break a bruised reed.
You mentioned that, aside from your children, you can no longer find a reason to go on living. I want to tell you: thank you for still being here—for their sake, and for your own. Your very presence is the most real and irreplaceable grace in this world for your son and daughter.
Regarding your confusion, I’d like to share a few thoughts:
It’s okay to feel disappointed in God: The Book of Psalms is filled with the saints’ cries to God: “Why have you forsaken me, O Lord?” God is not afraid of your anger, doubt, or indifference. If all you can feel right now is darkness, let Him sit with you in that darkness for a while; you don’t need to put on a fake smile to welcome Him.
You can temporarily “set aside your expectations”: Faith is not a competition you must win, but a relationship. Believers throughout history have experienced varying degrees of weakness. Abraham, the father of faith, faltered; Elijah even asked to die; Peter denied the Lord three times; and Luther once forgot that Jesus had risen. Yet God helped them all grow stronger. I believe God will find a way to help you heal as well.
Regarding “others’ breakthroughs”: Seeing others in the light while you’re stuck in the mud—that contrast is truly heartbreaking. But please believe this: God leads each person in a unique way. Even though you can’t see the light right now, every step you take while caring for your child in the mud shines with a heroic light in God’s eyes.
Finally, I want to say this to you:
If you feel like you can’t go on much longer, please don’t face this alone. In addition to crying out to God, please be sure to seek professional support from those around you. Reach out to fellow believers—we have a local support group for families with children on the autism spectrum. The brothers and sisters in our church would also be more than happy to help you. Please seek assistance; you don’t have to carry this burden alone. Above all, please take good care of yourself. God loves you—not because you have expectations of Him, but because you are His beloved child who is suffering.
We are here with you. Just focus on living through this moment, one breath at a time.